Anxiety and Depression

Today I want to talk about depression and anxiety. Not because I necessarily enjoy putting my personal life and problems out there for the entire world to see, but because I know there are probably other people who deal with this sort of thing. Sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one going through it. Sometimes the things that make us feel most alone have the most potential to connect us. So here we go:

When I was in middle school, I was probably the most social person in the world. I swear, I had friends galore. It was awesome. I was confident, and happy all the time. ALL the time. Nothing scared me. I loved parties, and any sort of social gathering. Life was absolutely perfect for me!

Then, I hit high school. This, my friends, is where things started changing. I know they say that high school doesn't matter and once you're out of it, it's like it didn't even happen. Well, that's not really true with me. I was fine the first couple years. It was a huge adjustment, though. Huge. I started to realize that not everyone is going to like you and maybe people really aren't as nice as I thought. I still had my close knit group of friends, though, so everything was good. I dated a few guys in high school. None of which ended well at all. One in particular ended horribly, and caused me to lose a bunch of friends, and my dignity along with it. My good reputation was pretty much flushed down the toilet at this point. A lot went down with that, and caused my self esteem to just hit the floor. I was depressed for about a year, not wanting to talk to anyone or go out. It's as if I completely lost who I was. It was terrible. I remember dreading school every single day, not wanting to get out of bed. I made myself physically sick worrying about what people thought about me, or what they were saying behind my back. The constant paranoid feeling I had caused me to act irrationally about a lot of things. It took me a while to realize I was acting that way but when I did, I became a recluse. I didn't talk or anything. I just stayed at home the majority of the time not going anywhere or talking to anyone. I did this for so long that it just became who I was. I preferred to be home, and the idea of socializing made me so nervous. I got to the point where I would have tiny panic attacks if I had to be out in public, like at a party or something. It's like I had forgotten how to communicate entirely. I guess my confidence was so low that I didn't feel like anything I said would come out right, so I would just be quiet.

This went on for about a year after high school, and I ended up gaining some weight, and becoming extremely depressed. There were some days that I didn't get out of bed all day long. I'd just lay there, and stare at the wall. Occasionally I would contact my old friends that I had lost, and try to reconnect with them. We'd talk occasionally, but our friendships were never fully restored. I still had quite a few friends from high school that I would hang out with, and made some more at the community college that I got my Gen Ed at. I was finally getting happy with myself again, but the thought of going out into the world and meeting people really still bothered me. I would rather stay home and play video games or watch movies by myself.

My friends, and everyone else for that matter, started calling me a hermit or a recluse or whatever else. I refused to go out. I hated people, pretty much. Haha.
I then got accepted into the Disney College Program. I figured this would be a new beginning and a great opportunity, so of course, I took it. I ended up making some of the best friends I've ever had there. Friends who love me and appreciate me for who I am regardless of my mistakes. I'll always love them. I was so sad when my program ended, because I had to come back to my hometown, the place with all the bad memories where I felt so alone all the time. I then reconnected with an old acquaintance from high school, Dillon Penland. He was the only person I was willing to go out with. He seemed cool enough. I went to lunch with him at Kostas, and the rest is history as far as that goes. Never been happier in my entire life, and Dillon has shown me what it means to be loved. I'd never felt that before.

But that's not the point. The point I'm really trying to make is that it's okay to feel anxious or depressed every now and then. Things happen in your life that are going to make you feel that way. You can't stop it. What you CAN do, however, is learn from it and grow. Realize the mistakes you made in the past, and don't make them in the future. Mold yourself into the person you want to be. Let people into your life who bring you up, not down.

Just thought I'd share that.